I am becoming painfully aware that despite my promises to myself, I am not doing a good job at keeping up on regular entries to this blog....I haven't been making good on most of the promises I make with myself, especially the promises that promote self-care, self-love, self-growth, basically anything to do with myself and my inner happiness. Not good.
Today is September 1st. Besides being the two year anniversary of moving into Blue Moon Cottage, it is also pretty much the kickoff day for Autumn. Normally I cannot wait for Autumn to get here. I love everything about Autumn, the color of the leaves, the change in the air, the smells, the anticipation for Halloween and Samhain (technically the same thing, but I've chosen to view them as two different celebrations.
Halloween = Muggle/pop culture holiday focused on candy, costumes, brash, bright, fun decorations (or gory, if that's your cup of tea....I refuse to decorate that way. To me, there is nothing FUN about blood, guts, gore or mutilation.)
Samhain = A sacred, holy day to honor my ancestors, my fellow witches. As well as a time to commune with all Spirits and Otherworldlies. It is also a time for intense, internal soul searching as to the "next step".
However this year I am not quite ready for Summer to be over. I am secretly not that excited for the start of Fall, and I am absolutely dreading the thought of Winter, (most likely because last winter lasted seven months!)
I turned 52 this past May and I think I am starting to go through what some might call my "mid-life crisis." I am definitely feeling Time speed up, feeling as if I have done nothing with my life. I am most definitely at a Crossroads and feel as if I have some major life-altering decisions to make.
Autumn is a season of transition, the year's final burst of glory before the symbolic "death" of Winter. A time to get your affairs in order, your house ready for winter, your inner House as well as your physical home.
I am feeling this very strongly this year, most probably because as I write this my next door neighbors are going into the 14th day of a death watch for the father of the house. He has ALS, and 14 days ago made the decision to meet his eminent death on his own terms. I support his courageous decision. Ever since we found out our attention, as we go about our day, is continuously focused on next door. It has been emotional eggshells waking up every morning wondering if he transitioned during the night. I cannot even begin to imagine how stressful and exhausting this has been for his family.
Every time we hear anything happening at their house we immediately look to see what is going on. We feel like such stalkers, but we're truly not.....we're trying really hard to respect their privacy at this time as we grieve with them. We have only had the chance to make their acquaintance in the last 5 months, but they are dear, sweet people and I am grieving the loss of a neighbor that I didn't get the chance to know better.
I grieve with his beautiful wife who has to watch her partner slip away. I grieve for his girls and his family, we barely know them, but they all seem to be such great people. I'm glad that they are tight knit and close. This would be a horrible circumstance to go through without support. I pray for him to have a peaceful transition and for his family to have utter peace at his passing.
I'm sure all of this is a direct influence on my reluctance to let go of Summer, of my "mid-life" crisis concerns, but they are all valid. I am a point in my life that, although it's far from over (hopefully), I still need to bring some points of my life into proper order before I start the next chapter of my journey. It is the right thing to do, not just for myself, but for my family. My greatest fear about dying is leaving any kind of "mess" for my kids to have to clean up, on any level. So the best way to bring myself inner peace and peace of mind is to take care of what needs to be done so that whenever it is my time to go I can go in peace and know that the legacy I left for my children are good memories, strong life lessons, and a solid belief in all things magickal, not some mess to clean up born of procrastination and irresponsibility on my part.
The other half of my "mid-life crisis" is this awful feeling of the clock ticking and all I can think about are all the amazing things I haven't done yet. All the places I haven't seen yet, all the experiences I haven't had yet. I finally get what all these "old" people have been saying: DON'T WAIT! There truly is no time like the present, there is no such thing as the right time. The time is NOW! All of this is true and I wish there was some way we could get our kids to see and understand this now, instead of later, at midlife.
I am grateful for this "mid-life crisis". I am grateful for this tap on the shoulder of my life. I have been living under the same delusion as everyone else that there is plenty of time....there is NEVER going to be enough time to do all the things you want to do in your life! The secret is to start going out and doing all those things you want to do, the very moment you realize you want it as a part of your life. Waiting for the "right" time, the right circumstance, the right partner, the right season to live your life to the fullest is the saddest delusion at all. The time is ALWAYS right now!
This is the Season of Transition. The season to blaze your own colors, burn brighter and more vibrant each day right up until it's time for you to transition into your next season.
